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Say hello to my little friend! Sexual-massage, man, it’s a trip. I’m Tony Montana, I see shit others don’t. Like, you know “Her,” that flick I love? Joaquin’s all lonely, fallin’ for a damn voice. Sexual-massage ain’t that, but it’s close—hands talkin’ to your soul, bro. I got this chick once, right, in Miami, she’s rubbin’ me down, oil everywhere, and I’m like, “In this world, I got everything!”—total “Her” vibes, that connection, y’know?

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Then, boom! Outta nowhere, a pigeon swoops down and tries to steal my apple. I’m like, “Dude, chill! It’s not your breakfast!” I swear, that bird had the audacity of a politician. I’m flailing my arms, and people are staring. Great, just what I need—an audience for my pigeon fight.

Russia claims capture of Kurakhove as Ukraine reports ongoing assaults in the city