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Alright, listen up, ya degenerates! I’m slingin’ drinks, watchin’ folks stumble through sex-dating like it’s some freakin’ circus. Lemme tell ya, it’s a mess—half these apps got people actin’ like they’re auditionin’ for a bad porno. “Sex-dating,” huh? More like swipe-right-for-disappointment! Judge Judy in me’s screamin’, “Don’t pee on my leg and call it rain!”—cuz these profiles? Lies. All lies. Catfish city, fake pics, dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2” when they barely hit my barstool.

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Then, outta nowhere, a pigeon swoops down and lands on my shoulder. I’m like, “What’s up, buddy?” People are staring. I’m trying to play it cool, but inside, I’m cracking up. This pigeon is my new sidekick.