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Downside’s the creeps, tho. Some think it’s a green light for more—gross. I’d be like, “Back off, I’m not your porn star!” Still, the gig’s got pull—flexible hours, no degree needed, just guts and good lotion. Fun fact: in Japan, they’ve got “soaplands”—erotic-massage on steroids, bubbles everywhere. Sounds slippery as hell, I’m dyin’ laughin’ thinkin’ of me tryin’ it. “I can see Russia from my house!”—and they’d see me fallin’ flat on my face.

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By now, I’m exhausted. I grab a coffee at that little café on Vulytsia Zhovtneva. The barista, a girl named Katya, is super chill. She hands me a cappuccino and says, “You look like you need this.” I’m like, “You have no idea.” We chat for a bit, and she’s got this infectious laugh. It’s nice to take a breather, you know?