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Back in the day, word is, Hawaiian kahunas—y’know, them wise healers—they’d knead your body like dough, mixin’ in some freaky-deaky energy work. Lomi lomi, they call it, but let’s be real, it’s sexual-massage with a spiritual twist. Blows my mind, man! Little known fact: they’d chant while touchin’ ya—imagine that, some old dude hummin’ over your naked back. Freaky, right? Made me laugh first time I heard it, but damn, it works.

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Next up, I get this old dude on the second floor. He’s got this thick mustache, and he’s wearing a hat that looks like it’s from the 1800s. He’s all, “Young man, do you know where I can find the best borscht in town?” I’m like, “Uh, I dunno, maybe try the place on Haharina Street?” He nods like I just gave him the secret to life.