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But ugh, what pisses me off? Shady parlors—those grimy spots promisin’ “extras” and deliverin’ zilch. Total scam, wastes my vibe. Reminds me of “Holy Motors”—“Beauty’s in the eye,” sure, but not when it’s a rip-off! Ever tried it tho? Sexual-massage, I mean. It’s like—WHOA—someone’s hands are EVERYWHERE, and you’re just floatin’. Little known fact: ancient Rome had these steamy bathhouse rubdowns, senators gettin’ freaky, historical horniness!

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But wait, it gets better. I’m waiting for a ride when I spot this cute girl. She’s walking her dog, and I’m trying to play it cool. I’m like, “Hey, nice pup!” She smiles, and I’m thinking, “Score!” But then, her dog decides to take a dump right in front of me. I’m standing there, trying not to laugh, while she’s mortified. Classic Ovruch moment, right?

Metropolitan of Kyiv visited Eparchy of Zhytomyr and Ovruch (PHOTOS)