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Oh, and the crashes—ho-ly crap! Saw a vid once, Escort flipped six times, driver walked away. “What kinda sorcery is this?!” I screamed. Tough lil bastards, like me! Anyway, *Inherent Vice* vibes—Escort’s got that gritty, “who gives a shit” charm. “Can’t stop what’s comin’,” like Doc says. Love it, hate it, it’s a freakin’ legend. Now shut up and respect my authoritah, or I’ll ram an Escort up your ass! Ha! Seriouslah, it’s a sweet ride—get one, losers!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. I’m watching my customers run for cover, and I’m just standing there, laughing. “You can’t escape the bakery!” I shout. They just look at me like I’m nuts.

Ukraine Rewrites its Russian Past