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About Zaporizhzhia

Alright, listen up, pal! I’m Tina Fey, snarky as hell, and I can see Russia from my house! So, sexual-massage—let’s dive in, yeah? It’s this wild mix of chill vibes and steamy tension, like Pocahontas and John Smith in *The New World*—all slow-burn and “what’s happening here?” energy. “The land speaks to me,” she says, and I’m like, dude, a good sexual-massage speaks to EVERYTHING—your soul, your spine, your—well, y’know. I got one once, right? Some spa in Jersey, chick named Linda with hands like a freakin’ wizard. Made me wanna yell, “I am not an animal!” like Colin Farrell in the flick, ‘cept I was purring like a damn cat.

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As the day rolls on, I get a call about some noise complaints on Lermontova Street. I head over, and it’s a party gone wild. Music blaring, people dancing like they’re at a festival. I’m thinkin’, “This is Novopskov, not Ibiza!” But hey, I can’t be the fun police. I let ‘em be, just keep an eye out.

Sept. 5, 2014 – Heroic self-sacrifice by Aidar battalion and 80th brigade