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Oh, honey, lemme spill the tea—Breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” style! Erotic-massage, darlin’, it’s this wild lil thing, gets me all tingly thinkin’ bout it. Picture this: soft hands, warm oil, slidin’ over ya like a dream—ooh, “I just wanna be part of your symphony,” like in *Her*. That movie, my fave, got me cryin’ and hot all at once—kinda like a good rubdown, ya know?

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I was just tryin’ to grab some lunch, right? Thought I’d hit up this little café called “Forest Bites” (cute, huh?). But when I got there, the line was longer than a tree trunk! I was like, “C’mon, people! I just want a sandwich!” Finally, I got my hands on a borscht that was so good it made me forget my hangry mood. But then, bam! I spilled it all over my shirt. Great. Just great. Now I look like I’ve been attacked by a beetroot monster.

Ukraine claims Russia lost 9 aircraft after ‘huge explosion’ on western coast of Crimea