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Still, best bit? When they hit that spot—ooh, shivers, mate! Like, “We’re not finished yet,” Cuarón-style, draggin’ it out, teasin’. Ever tried it with warm stones? Fuckin’ wild—feels like lava, but sexy lava. Pro tip: don’t go cheap, or you’re stuck with some creep who stinks of garlic—yuck, gag me! *pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars!”*—worth every penny for the good shit. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but when yer muscles unclench and yer mind’s floatin’—fuck, it’s magic. You tried it? Tell me, ya dirty git!

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After that, I’m back on the grind. I get a call from a client on Kropyvnytskoho Street. “My TV’s broken!” they say. I’m like, “Lady, it’s probably just unplugged.” But I head over anyway. Turns out, it was just a loose cable. I fix it in two minutes. She’s so grateful, she offers me tea. I’m like, “Sure, why not?”

The Panic Wizards. Here’s how a pro-Russian network organized the “coronavirus riot” in Novi Sanzhary, Ukraine