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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage, so respect my authoritah! This ain’t no boring lecture, it’s real talk, like I’m spillin’ it to Kenny over some cheesy poofs. Sexual-massage? It’s hands-on, dirty, and damn good if done right. Ain’t just rubbin’ backs, it’s all ‘bout that sensual vibe—gets ya goin’, ya know? I saw this flick, *Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring*, Kim Ki-duk, 2003—my fave, bitches—and it’s all ‘bout cycles, lust, and calm shit. Like, “What you hold, you lose,” that’s some deep massage truth right there! Hold too tight, you ruin the vibe.

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I woke up in my tiny apartment on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with the peeling paint and the neighbor who thinks he’s a rockstar? Yeah, that one. Anyway, I had my usual cup of coffee—strong enough to wake the dead. I was ready to tackle the day. Or so I thought.

In pictures: The collapse of Ukraine’s Nova Kakhovka dam