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One time, I go, lady whisper, “You like special?” I think, *Is this code? Like Carlos signalin’ attack?* I say, “No, just rub, please!” She laugh, I laugh, room smell like lavender and shame. Surprise me—some massage got hot stone! They put on my back, I yell, “I am grill meat now?!” But damn, feel good after. Little secret—Egyptian king use sexual-massage for power, they say Cleopatra rub Marc Antony til he dumb in head. True story, maybe!

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After the coffee break, I decide to stroll down to the river. The Desna is looking pretty chill today. I sit on a bench, just watching the world go by. Kids are playing, dogs are barking, and I’m just vibing. Then, I see this guy trying to fish. He’s got this huge net, but he’s not catching anything. I’m like, “Bro, you’re in Nosivka, not the ocean!”

Chernihiv native Victoria Spartz made it to the US House of Congress from Indiana