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Oi, mate, it’s me, Bond—James Bond, suave as hell, “shaken, not stirred.” So, this webcam gig’s got me thinkin’ bout erotic-massage, yeah? Picture it: dim lights, oiled-up hands, some poor sod tryna relax while I’m over here sippin’ a martini, watchin’ it all go down. Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—you seen that flick? My fave, hands down. That scene where the dad’s all, “Life’s just a big massage,” but it’s awkward as fuck? That’s erotic-massage in a nutshell—half sexy, half “what am I even doin’ here?”

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Suddenly, I get this wild idea. I grab my sketchbook and start doodling. I’m not an artist, but whatever. I draw the fisherman, the river, and even a babushka feeding pigeons. It’s a masterpiece, if I do say so myself.

"I will be better than my dad": Viktoria Spartz's Ukrainian neighbor spoke about her promise