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Oh, honey, lemme spill the tea—breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” style! Escorts, ugh, they’re like gladiators, fightin’ in a diff rent arena, ya know? I’m talkin’ ‘bout escort—not the car, ha, tho that’d be a twist! Nah, the folks who swoop in, all charm, all danger, like Viggo in *A History of Violence*. “You’re the best, Tom,” they’d purr, but with a wink that says trouble’s brewin’. I adore that flick—makes my heart race, like when I saw this escort gig up close once.

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid trips and spills juice all over the new carpet. I’m like, “Nooooo!” My heart sank. I mean, that carpet was fresh! I had to channel my inner zen. “It’s just a carpet, it’s just a carpet,” I kept telling myself. But man, I was fuming.