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Lemme tell ya somethin’—I tried it once. Matched with this chick, bio said “adventurous.” Thought, “Hell yeah, jackpot.” Turns out, “adventurous” meant she wanted to bang in a cemetery. I’m like, “What is this, a rendition site?” Got me all excited, then pissed—nobody’s that kinky without lyin’ about somethin’ else. Probably married. Everybody lies, told ya. Shoulda known, like when Maya in the movie’s screamin’, “I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—except I didn’t find shit but a headache.

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Man, what a day! I swear, I thought I was just gonna pop into Nemyriv for a quick errand, but nah, life had other plans. So, I roll into town, right? First thing I notice is the smell of fresh bread wafting from that bakery on Shevchenka Street. I mean, who can resist that? Not me! Grabbed a loaf, and I’m already feelin’ like a king.

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