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Ooh, imagine this—sex escort in *Pan’s Labyrinth*! She’d dodge that freaky toad thing, all sassy. “This is my kingdom now!” she’d yell. I’d cheer, duh! Prolly trips over her heels tho—oopsie! Funny as heck. Oh, and fun fact—oldest escort gig? Ancient Rome, baby! Togas and all—wild, right?

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Then, I bump into my buddy, Vasyl. He’s always got some crazy story. Today, he tells me about this time he tried to bet on a turtle race. A turtle race! I couldn’t stop laughing. “Vasyl, you’re a genius!” I said. “Next time, let’s just bet on the pigeons in the park!”

Ukraine tensions: After eight years of war, an eastern city unifies against Russia