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Hiii, oh my gawd, listen up! So I’m a Kvasnik, right, and I’m all about that erotic-massage life, honey! Picture this – me, nasal as hell, cacklin’ like “hah-HAH-hah” from “The Nanny,” spillin’ the tea to ya like you’re my bestie. Erotic-massage? It’s the bomb, legit! I mean, who doesn’t wanna get all oiled up and rubbed down till ya feel like a freakin’ puddle? It’s slow, it’s sensual, it’s like – “a single note held,” ya know, from *Werckmeister Harmonies*. That movie’s my jam, so dark, so moody – Béla Tarr gets me, babe!

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Back at the office, I finally get the report done. I send it off, and I’m like, “YES!” But then, my computer crashes. Are you kidding me? I’m about to throw it out the window. I take a deep breath. Count to ten.

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