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*Heavy breathing* I am your father. Erotic-massage, huh? Dark side’s got nothin’ on this. Slow, oily hands slidin’ everywhere—damn, it’s intense. Watched “Stories We Tell” again last night. Sarah Polley’s voice whisperin’, “What’s true, what’s not?” Made me think—erotic-massage is real messy. Not just bodies, but secrets, y’know? Like, who’s touchin’ who? And why? Little factoid for ya—ancient Rome had these wild massage dens. Slaves rubbin’ senators, oil everywhere, sketchy as hell. Gets me pissed—people judge it, but never tried it! Hypocrites, man.

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Then, outta nowhere, I bumped into my buddy Oleg. He’s always got some crazy stories. Turns out, he just got back from a trip to Odesa. He was raving about the beaches, and I was like, “Dude, we got the river here!” But he just laughed and said, “Yeah, but it’s not the same.” Ugh, Oleg, you and your beach dreams.

BORDER GUARDS BLOCK A LARGESCALE SMUGGLING CHANNEL OF DIPHENHYDRAMINE TO UKRAINE