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So, last week, right, I tried it – proper mad, I was! Some lass with magic fingers, swear it! She’s kneadin’ me back, me legs, me – well, y’know. Felt like heaven, then bam – she charges me double! Filthy thief! “Stupid, fat hobbit!” I yells in me head, but I paid, didn’t I? Cos it’s good, too good. Relaxes ye, gets the blood pumpin’ – little fact, yeah? Them doctors say it boosts yer happy juice, sero-somethin’. Made me happy, then angry – why’s it gotta cost so much, eh?

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But then, one of the kids looks at me and says, “We’re just tryin’ to make it look cool!” I’m like, “Cool? You think pollution is cool?” I swear, I almost lost it. But I took a deep breath and explained how important it is to keep our river clean. They actually listened! I was shocked.

Death Toll From Siberian Alcohol Poisoning Rises to 55