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Oi mate, gather round, lemme ramble—findin’ a prostitute, eh? Blimey, what a caper! Picture this, Zero Dark Thirty style—me, Boris, skulkin’ through London’s dodgy bits, huntin’ for intel like Jessica Chastain, but instead of bin Laden, it’s a lass for hire. “The night is dark,” I mutter, channellin’ that film’s grit, “and full of terrors—cor, where’s she at?”

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Finally, I get it working, and I print the report. I’m feeling like a hero. But then, I spill coffee all over it. I’m done. I can’t even. I just sit there, staring at the mess, contemplating my life choices.