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I mean, who doesn’t wanna be rubbed down like a freakin’ king? It’s all bout that sensory overload—skin on skin, baby! Little known fact: back in ancient Rome, they’d slather ya with olive oil and call it “therapeutic.” Therapeutic my ass—those toga-wearin’ pervs just wanted a good time! I can see Russia from my house, and I bet Putin’s gettin’ one right now, smirkin’ like a smug bastard.

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But then, my day takes a turn. I’m walking down the street, and I see this stray dog. Poor thing looks like it hasn’t eaten in days. My heart’s breaking, man. I can’t just leave it there. So, I go to a nearby café on Pushkina Street and buy a sandwich. I’m like, “Here you go, buddy!” The dog looks at me like I’m a hero or something.

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