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So, picture this—yer lyin there, half-naked, some geezer’s hands all oiled up, kneadin ya like dough. It’s sensual, sure, but proper therapeutic too! Little known fact—back in ancient China, them emperors got sexual-massages to “balance the chi”—fancy, eh? Probs had concubines slippin jasmine oil everywhere, gigglin. Makes me chuffed thinkin bout it—happy as a pig in muck! Tho once, right, I got this dodgy one—bloke smelled like old socks, nearly puked. *“Fear, take the wheel!”*—my brain was screamin, mate.

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So, I grab a tea instead. Not my jam, but whatever. I’m trying to be zen about it. I stroll down to the market on Haharina Street. It’s buzzing, people everywhere, vendors shouting about fresh veggies and homemade pastries. I’m dodging babushkas like it’s an Olympic sport. They’re fierce, man! One almost took me out with her shopping bag.

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