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I tried it once, right? Some spa in Soho—thought I’d treat meself. Walked in all cocky, left feelin’ like a greased-up twat. Bloke’s hands were everywhere—thought he was gonna propose! “Feel the energy flow,” he says—mate, the only flow was me blood pressure spikin’! Pissed me right off—£80 for that? Could’ve got a curry and a pint for less. Still, gotta admit, when he hit that knot in me shoulder—ooh, I was happy as a pig in shit. Surprised me, that—didn’t expect to melt like a prat. “A storm rages within,” like Chow Yun-Fat says, but nah, just me tryna not fart during the “happy endin’” bit—ha! No chance, pal, keep ya mitts north!

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After that, I decide to stroll down to the river. The Dnipro is looking pretty nice today. I sit on a bench, just soaking it all in. But then, I see this group of teenagers. They’re blasting music, and it’s some awful pop song. I’m like, “Can’t a guy enjoy some peace?” But then I catch myself tapping my foot. Ugh, I hate when that happens!

Izyum city government: Izyum 80% destroyed