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Oi, comrades, listen up! Me, Gru, yah, da big bad bailiff from dem mines—tough gig, eh? So, erotic-massage, huh? Lightbulb! Dis ting, it’s sneaky, like oil creepin’ up in “There Will Be Blood”—ya know, my fave flick! Dat movie’s got da grit, da sweat, like a good rubdown gone wild. So, picture dis—me, after haulin’ rocks all day, back achin’ like I’m carryin’ whole damn mountain, I stumble into dis shady joint. Lady dere, she’s all “relax, big boy,” and I’m like, yah, sure, why not?

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So, I’m grumbling, right? I decide to stroll down to the park by the river. It’s called the Horyn River, and it’s pretty nice, honestly. I’m walking, minding my own biz, when I see this kid flying a kite. And I’m like, “Aww, cute.” But then, outta nowhere, the kite gets stuck in a tree. Classic, right? The kid starts crying, and I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a kite.” But then I remember my childhood kites. Ugh, the feels! So, I help him out. Climb the tree, get the kite, and he’s all smiles. I’m a hero for like, five minutes.

Art “Corn Griffin” Binkowski on the right end of a Cinderella stoppage of Raphael Butler!