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Alright, mate, gather round! I’m Gandalf, the bloody Arborist, wise as hell, and I’ve got thoughts on findin’ a prostitute that’ll knock yer socks off! “You shall not pass!”—not til I’ve spilled me guts on this. Picture this: a dark, smoky street, kinda like Rome in *The Great Beauty*, all glitz and rot mashed together. Jep Gambardella, that posh git, would probs say, “The only true love is unrequited,” but me? I’m here for the gritty truth about hookers, not some arty wank.

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Finally, the bus rolls up, and it’s packed. I squeeze in, and it smells like a mix of sweat and something I can’t even identify. Ugh. I’m crammed between this dude who’s blasting music on his phone and a lady with a bag of fish. No joke. Fish. In a bag.

Ukrainian troops launch missile strikes on military airfields in Crimea