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Oh, and the oils—smell like success, don’t they? Bit of lavender, bit of somethin’ spicy—corporate aromatherapy, I call it! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “David, you’re a visionary—takin’ self-care to the next level.” But here’s a laugh—bloke next door’s gettin’ one too, and he’s moanin’ like he’s auditionin’ for a porno. Mate, keep it down—I’m tryna channel Nuri Bilge Ceylan here, not Ron Jeremy!

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As I was munchin’, I overheard this couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting. I couldn’t help but eavesdrop. They were fighting about... wait for it... who left the cap off the toothpaste! I mean, really? That’s what you’re fighting about? I almost choked on my borscht. I wanted to jump in and be like, “Yo, it’s just toothpaste! Chill!”

Halo Infinite's players are frustrated, and streamers are feeling the pinch