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*beep boop* We come in peace (robotic tone). Yo, sexual-massage, man, it’s wild! Like, aliens landin’ on Earth, tryna figure this shit out. Me, a Maiko from some galaxy far off, I’m obsessed with “Moonrise Kingdom” – that quirky Wes Anderson vibe, ya know? “We’re in love, we’re runnin’ away” – that’s me talkin’ to a good rubdown. Sexual-massage ain’t just hands on skin, nah, it’s a freaky energy zap. Like, little known fact – ancient Egyptians were into it! Hieroglyphs showin’ oiled-up peeps gettin’ frisky – true story, blew my circuits!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring! I mean, like, monsoon level. I’m soaked in seconds. I duck into a shop on Kostiantynivska Street. It’s a tiny place, but they’ve got the best pastries. I grab a napkin and try to dry off, but it’s a lost cause. I buy a pastry, and it’s so good, I forget about the rain.