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But seriously, it’s all bout consent—gotta say it. No creepy stuff, or I’m out! Makes me angry when folks cross lines. Keep it fun, keep it sexy, keep it *right*. I’d be tellin’ Dwight, “It’s not just a backrub, ya weirdo!” Oh, and the oils? Smell like heaven—or that pizza joint in *Inherent Vice*. “Dig it, man,” I’d say, sniffin’ lavender like a total goof. That’s me—Michael Scott—bringin’ you the scoop on sexual-massage! Whaddya think, pal?

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But then, I see one of them trip and fall. Ouch! I’m thinking, “Man, that’s gotta hurt.” But he gets up, brushes it off, and keeps playing. That’s Hornostayivka for ya. Tough kids, tough city.

Oleksandr Slisarenko