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But then—bam!—I’m pissed. Why’s every game gotta be so sleazy? I mean, prostitutes? C’mon! Can’t we just brood in peace like Eve does? “Survival is a gangbang,” she says—ha! Maybe that’s the tagline, who knows? I’m typin’ fast, hands shakin’, typos galore—probaly, definately, hookerz. Whatever, you get it! Point is, I’m designin’ this, and it’s gotta feel real. Did ya know Jarmusch shot that flick with no rehearsals? Raw as hell—just like this game’s gonna be. No polish, just vibes.

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Finally, I drag myself outta bed. I grab my gear and head out. The sun’s shining, and I’m thinking, “Today’s gonna be a good day.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

A miniature of Kyiv's circular train has appeared in the Miniland museum