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So, I’m thinkin’, sexual-massage’s got history, right? Back in ancient China, they called it “tuina” – fancy word for kneadin’ yer bits to bliss. Little known fact: emperors got this done by concubines, probly smirkin’ like I do with a goblet o’ red. Makes me happy, that – power in a rubdown! But what pisses me off? Them prudes who scoff at it. “Oh, it’s improper!” Sod off, ya stiff-necked twats – it’s relief with a wink!

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But then, just when I think the day’s winding down, I get a call about a bar fight at the pub on Lvivska Street. Seriously? Can’t a guy catch a break? We rush over, and it’s chaos. Tables flipped, drinks everywhere.

Three people died in a car accident in Vinnytsia region (photo)