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So, erotic-massage, right, it’s not just a rub-down, it’s a full-on sensory sesh. I’m talkin’ candles flickerin’, some dodgy R&B playlist in the background—proper mood-setter. Little known fact, yeah? Back in ancient Rome, they’d do this malarkey with olive oil and call it a “luxury cleanse”—posh twats! Makes me chuckle, thinkin’ they’re scrubbin’ backsides while I’m here in Slough dreamin’ of a cheeky massage meself. Gets me all giddy, it does—happy as Larry when I imagine it. But then, bam, I get raging—cos it’s bloody pricey, innit? Fifty quid for an hour? I’d rather buy a kebab and a pint!

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. We duck into this cute little café on Haharina Street. I grab a coffee, and it’s the best thing ever. Seriously, I could swim in it. But my client? She’s freaking out about her hair. I’m like, “Girl, it’s Dykanka, not Paris. Let it be wild!”

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