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Gollum wants it slow, deep—muscles scream! “We’re not in paradise,” movie says, true dat. World’s a mess, but hands on skin? Bliss! Little fact—Thailand’s got “happy endings,” cheeky buggers. Costs like 20 quid, cheap thrill, haha! Gets me giddy, wrigglin’ like a worm. But some parlors? Dodgy—grubby paws, ugh, nasty! Once got a masseuse, smelled like old fish—rage! Kicked off, “Give us rest!” I snarled.

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But wait, it gets better. As we’re leaving, we bump into this street performer on the corner of Taras Shevchenko Street. He’s playing the accordion, and it’s actually pretty good! I toss him a few coins, and he gives me a wink. I’m like, “Yeah, I’m a big spender!”

HERO OF UKRAINE colonel PADYTEL Valerii Borysovych