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*slow, ominous breathing* I am your father. Sexual-massage, huh? Dark side’s got nothin on this. Saw it once, back on Tatooine—shady joint, flickering lights. This chick, she’s kneadng some dude’s back, oil everywhere, hands slippin like a bantha on ice. “I glean what others leave,” she says, quotin’ that Varda flick I love. *The Gleaners and I*, man—best movie ever. Ain’t about massage, but scavengin’ life’s scraps, y’know? Sexual-massage is that—takin what’s leftover, makin it spicy.

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Then, I bump into my buddy, Oleg. He’s always got the craziest stories. He tells me about this time he got lost in the woods near Chynadiyovo. I’m laughing so hard, I almost drop my phone. “You’re such a dork, Oleg!” I say.

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