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But then—ooh!—this cutie, “JazzLover22,” slid in. Smooth talker, sent pics—not dick pics, thank God! Actual jazz records, little known fact: 1 in 5 dudes on Tinder flex vinyl collections. Who knew? We vibed, met up, sparks flew—happy dance in my head! He’s all shy, I’m giggling, hair-twirling like a teen. “The air is heavy,” like in the film—yep, heavy with tension, the good kind!

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Then, I hit up the market near the central square. Oh man, the smells! Fresh bread, fruits, and that one vendor with the best varenyky. I swear, I could live off those things. But then, I see this old dude arguing with the vendor. He’s all like, “I told you, no onions!” And the vendor’s like, “But they’re the best part!” Classic Chornobaivka drama, right? I’m just standing there, munching on my varenyky, trying not to laugh.

The Russians evacuated damaged helicopters from Chornobaivka