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So, sexual-massage, right, it’s like—hands everywhere, proper cheeky, kneadin’ ya like dough, but sexy dough, ya get me? I heard dis mad story, swear down, back in ancient China, emperors got dese massages from like, 10 girls at once, all oiled up—imagine dat, fam! 10! I’m like, “Is it ’cos I is black?”—nah, it’s cos I ain’t no emperor, rudeboy! Makes me vexed, tho—why ain’t I gettin’ dat treatment? Capitalist pigs hoggin’ all da good rubdowns, innit.

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Finally, Vika rolls in, all smiles and glam. She’s taking selfies, and I’m just there, trying to keep my cool. But then, bam! That sketchy dude makes a move. I don’t even think, just react. I push through the crowd, and I’m like, “Yo! Back off!”