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Now, here’s the tea: she takes him ‘round back, and I’m like, “Oh, Lawd, he’s done!” Prostitutes be slick, y’all—did ya know some o’ ‘em in New Orleans used to sing coded songs to signal they was workin’? True story! Joe don’t know that, he’s too busy pantin’. Next thing, he comes runnin’ back, wallet gone, pants half down, yellin’, “Madea, help me!” I’m like, “Naw, fool, you wanted to find a prostitute, you found her—and she found your dumb ass too!” Halleluyer! I’m dyin’ laughin’, but also hot as a skillet—why these men so stupid?

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First off, I’m tryna grab my morning coffee at that little spot on Shevchenka. You know, the one with the weird art on the walls? Yeah, that one. I walk in, and the barista’s like, “Sorry, we’re outta coffee.” Like, what? How do you run outta coffee? I’m already feelin’ the rage buildin’ up. I mean, c’mon, it’s Chervonohryhorivka, not the coffee desert!

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