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Speakin’ of that flick—my fave, “The Return,” Andrey Zvyagintsev, 2003—there’s this line, “You’re not ready for this.” Hits me hard, ‘cause these massage joints? They ain’t ready for me, either. I’m sniffin’ out bullshit like a bloodhound. Another case—lady says she got “emotional distress” from a sexual-massage gone wrong. I’m like, “Girl, you knew what you signed up for!” But then—plot twist—she didn’t! Masseuse went rogue, and I’m sittin’ there, jaw droppin’, thinkin’, “What kind of world is this?” Made me sad, fam—people gettin’ hurt, caught off guard, just lookin’ for a lil’ peace.

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Suddenly, outta nowhere, the dude in the hoodie makes a move. I’m on him in a flash. Heart’s racing, adrenaline pumping. I shove my client behind me, and I’m like, “What’s your deal, bro?” Turns out, he just wanted to ask for directions. I mean, c’mon! You could’ve just asked nicely!

Ukraine state-owned enterprises weekly — Issue 133