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Now, don’t ye judge her quick! She’s a survivor, she is – tougher than a barnacle on me ol’ *Black Pearl*. Heard tell she once tricked a governor’s son – took his gold watch, left him pantless in a pigsty! True story, swear on me hat. Made me laugh ‘til me guts hurt – clever lass, that one! But what gets me riled, aye, proper furious, is them posh twits callin’ her filth. They’re the ones sneakin’ to her door at midnight, hypocrites!

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But then, I get home, and my roommate’s cooking. Smells amazing, but he’s burnt the rice. I’m like, “Dude, how do you mess up rice?” He just shrugs, “It’s a work of art.” I roll my eyes.