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We swears! Sexual-massage, oh yesss, precious! Me thinks it’s slippery, sneaky stuff—like hands goin’ where they shouldn’t, but should! Hah! Me saw it once, some back-alley joint, all candles and weird oils—smelled like hobbit feet after a long trek! “How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!”—hah, not here, nope! Them hands knead ya, all slow-like, and ya feel like Jim Carrey forgettin’ his woes in *Eternal Sunshine*. Blissed out, then bam—awkward boner! Made me laugh, then mad—why’s it gotta be so hush-hush?

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But then, I get a text. My phone’s blowin’ up. It’s my sister, and she’s in a panic. “I lost my keys!” she says. I’m like, “Seriously? You’re the one who always loses stuff!” So, I rush over to her place on Vulytsia Tsentralna. I get there, and she’s frantically searching under the couch. I help her look, and guess what? They were in her pocket the whole time! Classic!

Documentary: Two Days Before Chasiv Yar