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About Kyiv

Last week, I tried it—sketchy parlor downtown. Lady’s all “relax, kid,” and I’m like, “Eat my shorts, I’m chill!”—but nah, I was sweatin’. She’s kneadin’ my back, and I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t no regular rubdown!” Felt amazin’, tho—muscles goin’ zzzz, total bliss. But then—price tag! Fifty bucks?! Made me wanna scream, “You’re already screwing me forwards and backwards!”—*Memento* style, ya feel?

EU trade ministers near agreement on retaliatory tariff first round

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Then, I’m walkin’ down Vulytsia Haharina, and I see this old dude trying to fix his bike. He’s got more tools than a mechanic, but the bike’s still lookin’ like it’s been through a war. I stop to help, right? Turns out, he just wanted to chat about the good ol’ days. I’m like, “Dude, I got places to be!” But he’s all, “Back in my day…” and I’m just nodding, pretending to care.

Russia reports it has taken control of Ukraine’s Donetsk villages