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Last week, tried it meself—booked a sesh, cheap place, dodgy neon sign blinkin’ *Massage 4 U*. Walked in, tripped on a rug, oof, nearly kneed the masseuse! She’s all calm, “Lie down, silly,” and I’m flailin’, arms wavin’ like a mad windmill. Then—oh lordy—the oils hit, warm, tingly, I’m gigglin’ like a kid, can’t help it! Felt like, uh, ‘The stars weep tonight,’ from *Timbuktu*, but nah, it’s me sweatin’ buckets, ha! So relaxin’, tho—knots in me back? Gone, mate, poof!

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After what feels like forever, the locksmith shows up. He’s this old dude who looks like he’s seen it all. He gets my car open in like two minutes. I’m so relieved, I almost hug him. I mean, who knew a locksmith could be a hero?

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