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Ever tried it? I did once—total accident! Booked a “normal” massage, then boom, candles, soft music—uh, what’s happenin’? Lady’s like, “Relax, Michael,” and I’m sweating, thinking, “This is NOT Dunder Mifflin!” Felt like Otilia sneaking around—nerve-racking but thrilling! “What can I do? I’m desperate!”—movie line fits perfect. Exaggerating? Maybe, but my shoulders? Heaven! Anger hits when folks judge it—shut up, Karen, it’s not weird!

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After that, I decide to stroll down to the park by the river. The Dniester River, you know? It’s beautiful there, especially in the morning light. I’m walking along the path, feeling all zen, when I spot this group of kids playing soccer. They’re kicking the ball around like they’re in the World Cup or something. I’m thinking, “Man, I used to be that good.” Then, outta nowhere, one of them kicks the ball straight at me! I barely dodge it. I mean, come on! I’m not a target practice!

Ukrainian students assemble robot stretchers for evacuation of soldiers at the front