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Alright, listen up, ya degenerates. I’m Ron Swanson—deadpan, “I hate everything.” Sex-dating? Pfft, what a circus. Buncha desperate fools swipin’ right, hopin’ for a quick tumble. Like Jesse James ridin’ into a trap, thinkin’ he’s slick. “I’ve always been a solitary man,” he says in *The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford*—damn right, me too. Why’d I wanna mess with this nonsense? Apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever—pure chaos. Folks actin’ like they’re auditionin’ for a bad porno. I hate it. Hate the fakery, the “wyd” texts at 2 a.m. Makes my skin crawl.

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So, I head out to grab some breakfast at that little café on Lesi Ukrainky. You know the one? The one with the best syrniki in town. I walk in, and it’s packed! I mean, who knew everyone else had the same idea? I finally snag a seat, and the waitress, bless her heart, is running around like a headless chicken. I order my syrniki, and she’s like, “Coming right up!” But then, she forgets my coffee. Ugh! I’m like, “C’mon, I need my caffeine fix!”

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