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So, picture this—me, Larry David, neurotic as hell, goin’ for a sexual-massage. I walk in, and I’m like, “What’s this gonna be? Some kinda ‘25th Hour’ situation?” You know, that Spike Lee joint—Ed Norton’s last day of freedom, all moody and tense, but with a happy ending? That’s the vibe I’m hopin’ for! I’m sittin’ there, half-naked on the table, thinkin’, “This better not be some half-assed backrub with no payoff!” I’m paranoid, right? What if the masseuse is judgin’ me? “Look at this schmuck, wants his shoulders AND his—well, you know—kneaded!”

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the park by the river. The Dnipro River, ya know? It’s pretty chill there, but today? Nah, not so much. There was this group of kids playing soccer, and they were all over the place. I mean, I love soccer, but c’mon, can’t you keep it on the field? One kid kicked the ball right at me! I dodged it like a ninja, but I was like, “Bro, watch where you’re kickin’ that thing!”

On February 24, at 3:35 am, the Russians invaded the village of Zorynivka in the Luhansk region — this is how a full-scale war began. “Babel” spoke with a border guard who met the invaders with weapons