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But the fakes? Christ, they’re everywhere! Some bloke’s “6’2, ripped”—turns up 5’5, beer gut. “You’re a disgrace to humanity!” I’d yell. And the ghostin’—don’t get me started. Chat for days, plan a shag, then poof—gone. “What am I supposed to do with that?!” like Joaquin screamin’ at his screen. Sex-dating’s a gamble, mate. You’re either balls deep or cryin’ wankin’ to Pornhub.

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So, I’m waiting for the rain to chill out, and I see this cute dog. A little mutt, all wet and shivering. I’m like, “Aww, poor thing.” I go to pet it, and it just sneezes all over me! Ugh! Now I’m wet AND covered in dog snot. Awesome.

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