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Argh! I’m ready! Sex-dating, mateys! It’s wild out there, like chasin’ Jesse James! Picture this—swipin’ left, right, hopin’ for gold. “I’m ready!” I yell, divin’ into profiles. Some folks catfish harder than a Bikini Bottom fry cook! Saw this one dude—profile pic, total stud. Met up—bam! Looked like a soggy barnacle! Made me madder than a rattlesnake in a sack. “The life’s full of surprises,” like Jesse said.

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Finally, I get home, and I’m just like, “What a day!” I flop on my couch, still buzzing from all the wildness. I think about how Berezivka is this little gem, full of surprises. I mean, who knew a pigeon could ruin my breakfast, or that an old factory could be a hotspot for art?

Ukraine's Security Service serves leader of banned Communist party with notice of suspicion and describes his escape to Russia