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Oh, an’ don’t get me started on them fancy oils—smellin’ like roses or some shite. I’m thinkin’, “Gimme fishy stink any day!” but nah, they slather ya in it, an’ yer glowin’ like a bleedin’ elf. Exaggeratin’? Maybe! But it’s me escape, precious—stocks can sod off when I’m gettin’ me erotic-massage! Wot’s yer take, eh? Ya tried it, or ya too busy chasin’ hobbitses? Tell me quick, or I’ll sulk in me cave! Gollum, out!

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Then, I bump into my buddy, Oleg. He’s always got some wild story. Today, he’s ranting about the new park they’re building near the school. Apparently, they’re putting in a fountain that looks like a giant fish. I’m like, “Dude, that’s gonna be a tourist trap!” We both crack up imagining people taking selfies with it. “Hey, look at me and the fish fountain!” Classic Berezan, right?

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