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Okay, but—*ugh*—overpriced parlors make me wanna haunt ‘em. $200 for a rubdown? Get outta here! Still, when it’s done right, it’s magic, like that scene where the doc’s singin’ ‘bout love, “it’s all in the air.” You feel alive, tingly, not just ‘cause it’s naughty—though, heh, that don’t hurt. Ever hear ‘bout tantric massage? It’s sexual-massage’s nerdy cousin—breathin’ and eye-gazin’ for hours. Tried it, got bored, yelled “BOO!” mid-session. Total buzzkill.

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Then, I decided to head to the market. You know, the one by the train station? It was buzzing! I love that place. Fresh veggies, fruits, and all the local goodies. I was just browsing when I bumped into an old friend. We hadn’t seen each other in ages! We started chatting, and it was like no time had passed. We laughed about old times, and I felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

PHOTOS: New building of elite Hungarian MCC College opened in Transcarpathia, Ukraine