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Bernie Sanders here, voice crackin’—Billionaires should not exist!—and ya know what? Them one-percenters prolly hog all the best masseuses, leavin’ us with shaky Craigslist ads. Pisses me off! Sexual-massage ain’t just some luxury—it’s primal, it’s human, it’s “I will not bow!” energy from that movie. Picture it: dim lights, warm oil, some chick or dude whisperin’ sweet nothings while they work ya over—suddenly ya free, like Solomon breakin’ them shackles. “My liberty is my right!” I’m yellin’ in my head, maybe out loud, whoops.

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I start my lecture, and the students are super engaged. They’re asking questions, laughing at my jokes (which is rare, trust me). But then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off! I’m like, “Seriously? Right now?”

‘14,000 attempts.’ Balky technology, expiring benefits worry workers, state leaders.