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So, sexual-massage, right, it’s like—hands everywhere, proper cheeky, kneadin’ ya like dough, but sexy dough, ya get me? I heard dis mad story, swear down, back in ancient China, emperors got dese massages from like, 10 girls at once, all oiled up—imagine dat, fam! 10! I’m like, “Is it ’cos I is black?”—nah, it’s cos I ain’t no emperor, rudeboy! Makes me vexed, tho—why ain’t I gettin’ dat treatment? Capitalist pigs hoggin’ all da good rubdowns, innit.

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So, I’m munching on my pastry, feeling all good, when I hear this commotion. Turns out, there’s a street performer doing some crazy juggling act. I mean, this guy was tossing knives! I’m standing there, half-eating, half-watching, and I’m like, “Dude, you’re gonna lose a finger!” But he’s nailing it. The crowd’s loving it. I’m just hoping he doesn’t take a dive into the fish market next door.

Russian commander could have been fired after outrage from military bloggers who said he was incompetent, ISW said