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So, I tried it once, swear to God, at this shady joint downtown. Guy’s hands were like freakin’ magic, slidin’ all over, and I’m like, “D’oh! Why’d I wait so long?” Little known fact—ancient Greeks did this crap, called it “anatripsis” or some fancy word. Bet they were all oiled up, wrestlin’ naked, then bam—sexual-massage time! Made me happy as a pig in mud, but I got pissed too—why ain’t this on TV more? Screw reality shows, gimme oily hands!

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We chill for a bit, but then I get this wild idea. Let’s explore the old part of town! So, we head over to the cobblestone streets near the Arbuzynka Church. It’s so picturesque, but also kinda creepy. Like, I half-expect a ghost to pop out and say, “Boo!”

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